Life on Mars?

[Company Man]

It's clearly a giant Graboid.

[deezelboy]

Rock Formation Rediscovered on Mars

Controversy continues to dog NASA's interpretation of Mars data during the Talking Ares symposium as today the Martian Face was declared to be a rock formation by enthusiasts.

"We all remember the hullabaloo when the initial Viking missions photographed what appeared to be a large rock formation on the surface of Mars," Mr Raymond Luxury-Yacht declared from his hospital bed this morning, "and the disappointment when NASA announced it as merely a giant carving of a face on Mars.  Yet imagine my surprise when I saw the recent Mars Orbiter data on the same area.  The face is gone!  It really was a large rock formation all along."


The Face on Mars, as it appeared yesterday, and (inset) in 1977

NASA was quick to discount the photographic evidence, however.

"We can neither confirm nor deny that this is a rock formation on the surface of Mars," a NASA spokesman today announced.

Jockeying Around

"Just fucking look at it!" the spokesman replied when pressed for further information.  "That was a giant Face on Mars in 1977.  Now it's a pile of rubble.  Do I have to spell it out for you?"

Later, the spokesman spelled it out.

"Previously we had viewed Mars as the home of a long extinct race or races of sentient beings.  Now we have reason to believe that it is the home of a newly extinct race or races of sentient beings. 

"From detailed analysis of recent data, we can piece together the pieces.  At the dawn of time, a highly advanced civilisation we have termed the Space Jockeys visited Mars.  There they gave the indigenous life, which was only in its infancy at the time, a helping hand through advanced terraforming techniques, before departing back home.  Eventually this indigenous life, which we have termed the Martians, developed space travel and went off to meet the Space Jockeys.

"The Space Jockeys were overjoyed to meet their creations, and offered them great knowledge as a gift.  But one of the Martians was greedy and stole the greatest secret, the technology of terraforming, from the Space Jockeys.  The Space Jockeys then declared war on Mars, wiping them out at a point in time between 1977 and now, and rubbleising the Face in the process."

"It sounds like the plot of a corny science fiction film," Mr Luxury-Yacht commented later, unaware that he was reading the plot of a corny science fiction film at the time.

Bacon

Meanwhile doubts were raised about NASA's interpretation of the Weird Gigeresque Biomech Shit on Mars.  "It's clearly just a giant graboid," doubted one doubter.

"We doubt this to be the case," NASA countered the doubt with doubts of their own.  "Any graboid would emit traces of Kevin Bacon no matter where it was situated in the Universe, and we have failed to detect these."

Since the 1970s all NASA equipment has installed Kevin Bacon detectors on its probes in order to test the Bacon-Integrated Theory of Everything hypothesis, or BaconITE as it is colloquially known.  Put simply, BaconITE proposes that the Universe is actually a six-dimensional space-time manifold with each dimensional axis no further than one degree away from Kevin Bacon.  All points in the spacetime continuum are thus aligned to Kevin Bacon by no more than six degrees of separation, and the search is on to find the elusive Kevinoid particles needed to maintain a Bacon-field's scalar values in any given axis. To date, no Kevinoids have been detected.

"Even if it were, it wouldn't explain the space jockey skull or the war on Mars," a NASA spokesman followed up, "which is what all our evidence points to.  All of it."

Heaven Can Ape

In other news, proponents of the Dr. Zaïus hypotheis gathered around the space shuttle immediately prior to its last launch to sing a rousing chorus of "All Things Bright and Beautiful."  They then gave praise to the Holy Exhaust Backscatter and waited for their victory incandescence to uplift them spiritually to their Simian Overlords.

When asked to comment, a NASA spokesman said only "the maniacs!  They had to go and blow themselves up.  Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!"

Erratum

Yesterday's report erroneously gave Mr Raymond Luxury-Yacht's name as Mr Throatwobbler Mangrove.  We would like to apologise for this fact, and state that although Mr Raymond Luxury-Yacht's name is spelt 'Raymond Luxury-Yacht' it is in fact pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove.'

[SM]

[deezelboy]

Another Canyon Discovered on Mars

With data from the Mars Orbiter coming in thick and thin, space enthusiasts today announced that they had discovered photographic evidence of another canyon on the surface of Mars.

"This is the second canyon we have discovered in almost as many days," a spokesman and legal representative for Mr Raymond Luxury-Yacht announced during a press conference.  "Furthermore, I must protest against the unfair gagging order against my client, which just goes to show how far this fucking conspiracy goes."



NASA was quick to discount the photographic evidence, however.

"The Beast and his armies will rise out of the Pit and make war against God," all NASA employees chanted in unison today.

Giant Red Arrow

"It may be quite difficult for the untrained eye to see," a NASA spokesman said after the Black Mass, "but this supposed 'canyon' is not all it appears to be.

"It is in fact the glowing face of a giant demon, and to aid inexperienced viewers we have computer enhanced the image to place a giant red arrow to guide the inexpert eyes of disbelievers."

"The arrow is not to scale," the spokesman later clarified, "and is purely for representational purposes only."

When asked whether NASA had identified the identity of the demon, the spokesman's eyes began to glow red.  "Some may call him Abaddon," he announced in a deep, distorted voice, "and some may call him Krop Tor.  Some may call him Satan.  Or Lucifer.  Or the King of Despair.  The Deathless Prince.  The Bringer of Night.  And these are the words that shall set him free."  There was then some ominous laughter and he began to levitate.

Bowel Evacuation

"From detailed analysis of recent data, we can piece together the pieces," the spokesman continued after returning to corporeal form.  "During the Great War on Mars, many Martian sought shelter in the bowels of the earth from the Space Jockey onslaught.  There they experimented with a teleportation device that they hoped could be used for evacuation purposes, possibly to Phobos or Deimos. 

"But it was not to be.  Something fragging evil poured out of the gateway, killing and/or possessing all of the survivors.  At some stage after this, the face of our Lord and Master appeared on the surface of Mars by means unknown.

"All our data points to this. All of it."

Fucking Conspiracy

Overall public reaction has been negative, however.  "This is a fucking conspiracy," read the comments of one blog.  "There's no scientific evidence to discount there being canyons on Mars and there's plenty of scientific evidence to discount the existence of demons.  This fucking stinks."

However, the scientific community disagrees with this analysis.  For instance, renowned uber-scientist Carl Sagan published the seminal work The Demon Haunted World, in which a cursory inspection of the title indeed proves that the world is haunted by demons.

He has not to this date published a book with 'canyon' in the title, however, and is unlikely to do so.